2012 Team Previews: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

• 2011 Record: 4-12 (4th in NFC South)
• 2011 Point Differential: -207 (31st out of 32)
• 2011 Strength of Schedule (per PFR’s SRS system): +2.3 (2nd)
• 2011 Adjusted Net Yards per Pass Attempt (offense): 4.7 (t-25th)
• 2011 Adjusted Net Yards per Pass Attempt (defense): 7.5 (32nd)
• 2011 Adjusted Pythagorean Record (accounting for Strength of Schedule): 4.0-12.0 (30th)
• 2010 Adjusted Pythagorean Record: 7.7-8.3 (17th)

And now a very special preview of the 2012 Buccaneers from Super Bowl-winning coach and current ESPN announcer Jon Gruden. Take it away, Coach Gruden!

*Smirks, eyes get wide, smirks again*…Well, well, well, well, well, what do we have here? If I recall my facts correctly, isn’t this a team that’s only won seventeen games the past three years? Now I’m no SRINIVASA RAMANUJAN, but hearkening back to the division methods that I learned back in Sister JEANETTE ANNE GUTTERDAGGER’s FOURTH GRADE MATH CLASS, even I can tell that’s only averaging a little over five wins a season there. That won’t quite get the job done, now will it? *clucks teeth disapprovingly* You wanna know something else I heard about these TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS? I heard they so thoroughly quit on their coach at the end of last season that they wouldn’t even listen to his directions for finding THE JOHN in December. *cocks right eyebrow* Almost makes you think hiring a thirty-two year old kid WITH NO PRIOR NFL COORDINATING EXPERIENCE as your head coach was a choice LACKING IN ERUDITION. *leans forward* Almost makes you think they shoulda held onto that prior coach of theirs…*smirks*…you know…the one with the STERLING 95-81 CAREER RECORD…the guy with an UNDEFEATED MARK in the little game they call THE SUPER BOWL…that undisputed MOLDER OF MEN who turned the six-yard slant into a INDESTRUCTIBLE FORCE OF AGONY AND TERROR for his opponents? Remember THAT GUY?

Of course, by now, I’m sure you know I’m referring to myself and my SURPRISE TERMINATION in January of 2009. And, believe me, it gave me NO PLEASURE WHATSOEVER to see Raheem Morris fail SPECTACULARLY in his three years as Bucs head coach. Raheem is a good friend of mine. I gave him a shot as a defensive quality control coach back when he was just a PUERILE YOUNG ASSISTANT out of Hofstra and watched him grow into the PASSABLE DEFENSIVE BACKS COACH HE IS TODAY. I have no interest in telling Raheem…*raises right hand slightly*…I told you so. Instead, I save that for that old crusty warlock MALCOLM GLAZER. YOU HEAR THAT, MALCOLM? I TOLD YOU SO, YOU @*$&!&%@*#@!*$&@*$&#* HAIRY BUTTSPLEEN! GO DIE IN ONE OF THE MANY TRAILER PARKS YOU PURCHASED BACK IN THE SEVENTIES, YOU SCUM-SUCKING PURVEYOR OF COLORECTAL DISEASE!

*Catches self, attempts to calm down* Well, now. Looks like I got a little carried away with myself there. You know, I actually owe a lot to the Glazer Family. We’ve had our differences over the years and we’re certainly not exchanging Christmas cards these days – that sorta fell by the wayside when I included some Anthrax in my holiday greeting back in 2010. But, when all’s said and done, Malcolm is responsible for giving me seven years of fine employment in a locale that is synonymous with PARADISE ON EARTH. And for that, I admit, I must thank him. I also admit that he taught me VALUABLE LESSONS about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness that I still share with my fellow members of the Fired Football Coaches Association here in Tampa. Stay true to yourself. Maximize your happiness. Get the hell out of this office, Jon, you were fired two and a half years ago. *eyes moisten, raises right hand slightly* This is the stuff that great men TAKE TO THEIR GRAVE, clutching CLOSELY TO THEIR BREAST, cherishing like LIFE-GIVING MANNA FROM HEAVEN. And whenever I’m not leaving a flaming bag of fudgies on Malcolm’s doorstep, I always keep these values in mind.

But getting back to THESE GUYS, the TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS. I gotta tell ya, I was RELIEVED to hear that they didn’t want to interview me for my old job. I’ve taken THESE BROKEN WINGS of mine and learned to fly again. I have a great gig announcing for one of the VENERABLE INSTITUTIONS of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. I still get to wake up at three in the morning and break down all my game film, just like when I was a BLOSSOMING RESORVOIR OF INTERMEDIATE ROUTE KNOWLEDGE way back in kindergarten. I’m even coming out with my own specialty brand of SALAMI later this year specifically catered towards the FOOTBALL FANATIC demographic; and once we’re able to come up with a name that isn’t an OBVIOUS DOUBLE ENTENDRE, we’ll get that sucker out on the shelves IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD GROCER. So I’m thrilled to see the Buccaneers go for a complete break with the past and hire the OUTSTANDING former coach of Rutgers University, GREG SCHIANO. Greg is A STERN DISCIPLINARIAN who won’t leave any room for any LAZY LARRY’s or DALLYING DICK’S to meander their way through the season. These Tampa Bay Buccaneers are headed back on the right track and I gotta tell ya…*cocks right eyebrow*…I see nothing but BRIGHT THINGS in this franchise’s future. But should these Buccaneers continue to flounder and the salami business fail to produce any fruit…*winks*…there’s always a former Super Bowl-winning coach who lives right down the road…*grows visibly agitated*…No, not Tony Dungy, me! *finishes purchase of Haagen-Dazs at neighborhood 7-11, leaves in a huff*…

Random thoughts

Tampa Bay had been one of the thriftiest teams in the league since switching to a youth movement in 2009, but with a much higher salary cap floor on the horizon, the Buccaneers were the biggest spenders during the 2012 free agent signing period, snatching up Chargers receiver Vincent Jackson and Saints guard Carl Nicks. At 29 and having a history of inconsistent effort, Jackson’s a risk, but he’s one of the best downfield threats in the league and Nicks is arguably the best guard in football, so expect the Buccaneers’ offense to be greatly improved in 2012…Unfortunately for the Bucs, the Pro Bowl guard they were planning on pairing with Nicks, Davin Joseph, suffered a serious knee injury during the preseason and will be out the entire season…The main issue with the Bucs last year – and, really, every year since Monte Kiffin left to follow his son around the college football ranks – was their defense; as you can see at the top of the page, they were the worst team in football against the pass, generating little pass rush and possessing a sieve-like secondary. Tampa Bay drafted Alabama safety Mark Barron to help fix the latter, but fixing the former is more a matter of avoiding injuries (former first-round pick Gerald McCoy, in particular, would be a great help if he could stay healthy) and giving a consistent effort…

Outlook

The Buccaneers are neither the 10-6 team on the rise they appeared to be in 2010 nor the 4-12 bottom-dwellers they portrayed themselves as last year. 2010 was a fluke-filled season fueled by close victories against an soft schedule; 2011 started off with losses against a tough schedule, then ended with one of the most egregious examples of a team quitting on its coach in recent memory. Whether new coach Greg Schiano will be able to avoid the same fate is up for debate. But the Bucs should be able to move the ball this season; Vincent Jackson gives Josh Freeman the deep threat he sorely needed and the addition of All-Pro guard Nicks should ensure nice years for backs LeGarrette Blount and Doug Martin. The defense will still likely be bad, but keep in mind that they faced the toughest slate of opposing offenses in the league last year. If they actually try for this entire season, there’s still young, highly drafted talent that could noticeably improve. Subjectively, my guess is the Buccaneers’ mercurial tendencies will either lead them to far exceed or lag behind the below projection; lukewarm doesn’t seem to be their style.

2012 Projected Point Differential: 381.4-405.8

2012 Average Projection: 7.4-8.6 (4th in NFC South)

2012 Team Previews: Seattle Seahawks

Seattle Seahawks

• 2011 Record: 7-9 (3rd in NFC West)
• 2011 Point Differential: +6 (18th out of 32)
• 2011 Strength of Schedule (per PFR’s SRS system): +0.4 (t-10th)
• 2011 Adjusted Net Yards per Pass Attempt (offense): 5.0 (21st)
• 2011 Adjusted Net Yards per Pass Attempt (defense): 5.0 (6th)
• 2011 Adjusted Pythagorean Record (accounting for Strength of Schedule): 8.4-7.6 (t-15th)
• 2010 Adjusted Pythagorean Record: 4.3-11.7 (30th)

And now a frank discussion of the worst uniforms in recent NFL history

In case you didn’t know, the NFL switched apparel suppliers at the end of last season, ending their long-time partnership with Reebok in favor of Nike’s deeper pockets. Given Nike’s, shall we say, adventurous college designs, many NFL fans were hopeful/worried (depending on their attitude towards those college uniforms) that the switch in apparel companies would lead to radical uniform redesigns like these. Of course, there was never a real chance of that happening; NFL owners are some of the most conservative people around this side of Barry Goldwater and the thought of seeing a tradition-rich franchise like the Bears parading around in something resembling this would have likely caused them to choke on their caviar. Thus, when the new Nike uniforms were unveiled earlier this year, the vast majority of NFL teams made no significant changes and most uniforms look exactly the same as before.

The Seahawks, however, were the one team that took the opportunity to make major redesigns, as you can see from the picture above. And the results aren’t pretty, unless you like rejected Arena League uniforms. There’s too much going on in the top of the jersey and the new gray alternate jersey look exactly like the road whites have been dragged through a smokestack. Even the names of the Seahawks’ new color scheme sound pretentious: College Navy. Action Green. Wolf Grey. And…White (reportedly Aryan White was the original title but was shelved at the last minute). Bleh. In honor of these new affronts to manhood, let’s take a look back at some of the other terrible NFL uniforms of recent vintage.

Philadelphia Eagles 1932 Throwback Uniforms (2007). The worst part about this is the Eagles were wearing these in honor of the Frankfort Yellow Jackets. Why would you wear the garish monstrosity of another franchise you were never even affiliated with? Might as well wear the Providence Steam Roller throwbacks at that point.

Denver Broncos 1960 Throwback Uniforms (2009). OH MY WORD I FORGOT ABOUT THOSE SOCKS. Honestly, if you replaced those with something relatively normal, then this mustard-and-poop color scheme isn’t actually that bad…*thinks for a minute*…okay, you’re right, it would still be pretty bad.

Chicago Bears Alternate Orange Uniforms (2005-2011). What’s bad about these is the standard Bears home jersey is arguably the best in the league; trading those in for Orange-Crush Broncos-aping unis is a huge loss. Fortunately, the 1940s retro uniforms the Bears wore in 2010 are returning this season.

Detroit Lions Alternate Black Uniforms (2005-2008). There should just be a rule outlawing teams that originated before World War II from wearing alternate jerseys with dominant colors that have NO prior history with the team. Why did you feel like you needed to rip off the Panthers’ jerseys, Detroit? Why?

Jacksonville Jaguars Home and Away Uniforms (2009-present). Much like the Seahawks, the Jaguars’ recent redesign seems rather cheaply made and dilutes a previously strong design. I’d also like to take this time to once again ask Shad Khan WHY HAVEN’T YOU MOVED THE JAGUARS TO LOS ANGELES YET?

New York Jets 1960 Throwback Uniforms (2007-present). Why not celebrate the most putrid time of your franchise’s existence by wearing their equally putrid uniforms? F-E-E-T! FEET! FEET! FEET!

Seattle Seahawks Alternate Lime Green Uniforms (2009). And, of course, no discussion of terrible NFL uniforms is complete without mentioning the one-game abomination that these Seahawks alternates graced us with a few years back. Really, they should be proud more than anything else; any time you can unequivocally say that something is clearly the best or worst in its given field, you should feel honored to be part of that. Plus, who knows how many people were inspired to purchase Apple Jolly Ranchers after watching that game; as I hope you all know, Jolly Ranchers are delicious and anything leading to the purchase of more Jolly Ranchers is a net gain in my book. So, nuclear holocaust green Seahawks jerseys, I salute you for a job well done. Keep fighting the good fight!

Random thoughts

Probably the biggest surprise starter in the NFL opening day will be Russell Wilson, who outperformed Matt Flynn in the preseason and will be one of several rookie quarterbacks under center from the get-go. Wilson was incredibly efficient in his lone season at Wisconsin (having transferred there from North Carolina State), completing 72.8% of his passes and tossing 33 touchdown passes in comparison to just 4 interceptions. In addition, Football Outsiders’ Lewin Career Forecast system gave Wilson its highest rated projection ever (although FO head Aaron Schatz couldn’t backpedal from that projection hard enough) and he’s got excellent mobility and accuracy. The only knock on him has been his height (5-11); then again, Drew Brees and Michael Vick are only an inch taller and they’ve both had a pretty good run. Subjectively, I think Wilson will make it as a solid starting quarterback eventually; the usual warning signs with starting rookie quarterbacks apply for this season, however…Flynn was expected to win the Seahawks’ starting quarterback job easily after parlaying his amazing Week 17 start with the Packers into a big payday in the offseason. As Football Outsiders’ Vince Verhei and Grantland’s Bill Barnwell both noted, every other quarterback in NFL history who posted a single game stat line similar to Flynn’s 31-of-44, 480 yards, 6 TDs and 1 INT made the Pro Bowl at some point in their career (except for Scott Mitchell and even he had one phenomenal season in 1995). Flynn starts this year on the bench, but it’s fair to expect that he will get some playing time at some point this year…The Seahawks’ defense took a big step forward in 2011, largely thanks to their Pro Bowl safeties Earl Thomas and Kam Chancellor. Thomas is 23 and Chancellor is the old guy at 24, so this may be the beginning of a long period of excellence at the position for the Seahawks…

Outlook

The Seahawks won the NFC West in 2010 and then went on to memorably beat the Saints in the playoffs, but by all indicators they were a much better team last season. Their defense became an above-average unit, with young playmakers all over the field and their offense did about as well as you could hope with Tarvaris Jackson at quarterback. How well you think the Seahawks will do in 2012 is largely tied to how much you think the Plexiglass Principle will affect their season. If their defense slides back down to something approaching their terrible 2010 effort, this will be a four-win team. If you think that last year represented young talent coalescing for the first time and things can only improve as that young talent gets closer to its peak, then the Seahawks may deserve to be the NFC West favorite. Questions will always linger around a team starting a rookie quarterback, so the Seahawks’ overall projection this year puts them around the seven-win mark they’ve maintained the first two years of Pete Carroll’s tenure. Again, though, in a division that looks very weak, Seattle has as good a chance as anyone of making the playoffs.

2012 Projected Point Differential: 322.4-354.7

2012 Average Projection: 7.1-8.9 (2nd in NFC West)