And Now We Present Tony Siragusa Composing a Love Poem to a Thanksgiving Dinner

Though November may bring a time so gloomy and dreary

That we’re left with nothing but sadness and eyes so teary

There’s at least one day that takes all the pain away,

A joyous day where no one asks how much I weigh.

Thanksgiving, of course! I’m sure that you’ve heard

Of all the feasting I’ll do on this bird

I wear my stretchy sweatpants to ensure I can give it my all

There’s a reason I earned the moniker, “Bane of the Butterball.”

Because of this feast, I tolerate the presence of my in-laws

Aunt Ethel can hardly be heard whilst eating a turkey leg raw

Yes, yes, I’m sure your knitting circle has done some wonderful deeds

But you’d best stand clear of the stuffing, lest you die from my stampede

Depart from my sight, insufferable Weight Watchers plan!

This domination of the yams has only just began

Soon the mashed taters and gravy will follow

Down the great path to my stomach to wallow

But, aghast and alas! What foul force has now come upon me?

I cannot find the willpower to even rise up and pee

 How wonderful, how glorious were the intentions of my plan!

All laid to waste by the dastardly devil known as tryptophan

Still with joy I sit back, content with all that I have eaten

And proud I abstained from calling Cousin Vin a cretin

But wait! Am I gaining a second wind to break this long impasse?

Sadly, I’ve misread my body; it’s only more passing of gas.

Happy Thanksgiving.

And Now We Present Tony Siragusa Composing a Love Poem to a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup

Rejoice, oh my soul! It’s that time of year again

Where leaves fall off trees and diets are disdained

It’s October 31st, the spookiest, scariest time of year

I cannot contain my joy! Nor the noises passing through my rear

Soon my children will throw on their cute costumes

“So much candy we’ll get!” I’m sure they assume

Little do they realize, the Dad Tax still lingers

I demand 20% of all Twix and Butterfingers

But hark! What’s this? The crown jewel of them all

My paunch awakens and begins its mating call

Chocolate and peanut butter, what a delightful combination

I simply must have a dozen of you, despite my constipation

Oh! Good gracious, it’s such heaven in my mouth

So good, I can ignore the stains appearing down south

H.B. Reese, how can I ever thank you enough?

You’ve made me so happy, I could run around in the buff

Suddenly, my wife appears and smacks the cup out of my hand:

“If you keep eating at this rate, you’ll destroy your thyroid gland!”

Woman, can’t you step aside and let me eat in peace?

I’ve lost a lot of weight this year! Now I’m “just” obese

But now dear Halloween is drawing to a close

“Maybe it’s all for the best,” I thoughtfully suppose

Then, with a smirk, I think of a scheme worthy of Machiavelli

Don’t worry, little peanut butter cup; soon, you’ll be in my belly

Happy Halloween.

And Now We Present Tony Siragusa Composing a Love Poem to a Piece of Fried Chicken

Hello down in there, my deeply beloved

I love how you don’t need to be thrown in the oven

Just slap some lard on the outside of your thigh

And toss you in the deep fryer to make sure you die

Fifteen to twenty minutes? That’s simply far too long!

The wait is as painful as when I tried on that thong

But now! The time has come for me, finally, to eat

I’ll share with no one – least of all, Hasheem Thabeet

Sweet mercy, my darling, what taste this bird brings!

Fit for a queen with arms of ostrich wings

I find you irresistible, I devour you whole

And four hours later, I send you down the toilet bowl

I try to explain your merits to Kenny and Moose

(in between boozing and fondling white spruce)

But they simply won’t hear it, they’re too busy laughing

I apparently scare them off with all the gas that I’m passing

“Your loss!” I shout as I scurry down to the field

And tighten my belt to ensure my fat is concealed

Maybe the kind camera man will enjoy a nice, meaty breast

Perhaps he can join me in failing cholesterol tests

So for now, my sweet love, I bid you a fond adieu

Whatever may happen, I will never forget you

Sliding down my considerable gullet, your heavenly grease lingers

You will always be remembered, even after you exit my sphincter

Fin.