And Now We Present Phil Simms Narrating His Trip to the Grocery Store

Well, Chrees, that was certeenly a harroweeng adveenture we had back een the parkeeng lot. I never knew tire reems could geet so bent out of shape seemply by runneeng over some Siamese Tweens. But now that we’ve feexed up that reem and expressed our utmost chagreen of our mortal seen to those Siamese Tweens, we can accompleesh what we set out to do. And that ees buyeeng grocerees for our beloveed family. Thank you ageen for taggeeng along, Chrees; it means a lot to your old man that you are steell weelling to be seen een publeec with heem. Let’s do our beest to attack this leest, shall we?

Ooh, thees looks like a good deal! Leetle baby carreets for just $1.99! Let’s feell our cart up with thirtEEN, no fourtEEN, no fiftEEN bags of them, Chrees. I just can’t geet enough of the Vitameen A these leetle carreets breeng. Now you’ll have to remind ME to head over to the deLI later on for some fine cuts of meat. I’ll have to have a word with that butcher because the last time he cut our meat, hees slices were much too theen and I had a very deeficult time just tryeeng to eat theem. Oh look, Chrees! Een the potato cheep aisle! It’s a Vietnam War vetereen who’s lost all his leembs! Wow. Doesn’t that just make you want to stand up and be proud to be an Americeen? That’s a man who has really takeen it on the cheen but has steell found the strength witheen to become an eenspiration to all around heem. God bless heem.

Alright, we’re makeeng great progress on thees leest, Chrees. We’re a leettle more than halfway through eet, I’d say. Or maybe even a leettle more than feefty percent through eet! Wheechever one ees a greater amount. Have you seen the Metamuceel anywhere, Chrees? I’ve been haveeng some awfully consteepated sheets lately and my patieence is weareeng theen. Seence we’re by the milk aisle here, let’s peeck some up and set eet een our cart. No more of the whole milk, Chrees; we’ve all beeen getteeng a leetle tubby lately at Seemms Manor, so we’re going to have steeck to some skeem for a while. Attaboy, Chrees; you make your papa very proud. I know thees will embareess you, but I steell geet flashbacks to wheen you were a keed all the time. I remember weeth pride the day of your circumceesion, when that nice doctor treemed off all the foreskeen on your leetle peener. Wheen you have a boy someday, Chrees, you’ll find that you treasure leetle momeents like that all the time.

But enough treeps down memory lane; we’re neareeng the home stretch of our grocery leest! Before we leave, we definitely have to peeck up some Been and Jeery’s Ice Cream for your mother; she always loves eating those ice cream cones that are feelled to the breem. But which flavor do we choose, Chrees? ChunKY MonKEY? ChuBBY HuBBY? Chocoleete Fudge BrowNIE? HEE HEE HEE. How do they posseebly come up with these names? Choose any one that sounds good, Chrees. Eet weell be my treat. Well, eet looks like we’ve almost feeneeshed the leest. But what’s thees? A leetle book sectieen for anyone who’s lookeeng for a good read? Let’s see eef they have my favoreete book here. They do! Huckleberry Feenn! By Mark Twain. Deed you know hees real name was Samuel Clemeens, Chrees? Oh, thees was my favorite thing to read een the summer time back een Kentucky. I always loved the friendsheep between Huckleberry and Jeem, even though I got een trouble wheen I first came to the Gieents for referreeng to heem by the full name he’s addressed by een the book. I deed not know that word was so offenseeve! Beelieve me, though, after Lawreence Taylor heet me in the leever and leet my pubeec hair on fire, I got the heent!

We’ve finally made eet! Eet’s time for checkout! Let’s SEE what THE damage will BE. *listens to cashier announce the total* One hundreed and sixTEEN dollars and feefty-seveen cents?! I guess I maybe deedn’t need all those bags of leetle carreets een retrospect, right? Oh well. You leeve and you learn from your meestakes. That ees what Beell Parcells always told me, anyway. Thank you very much. Alright, Chrees, let’s heet the road and get these groceries een the freedge before they spoil. By the way, have I told you the vacatieen plans your mother and I settled on? We’re going to fly overseas to watch some professieenal musicieens play the violeen in West Berleen! I can’t wait to tell Jeem…