Usually at this time of year we, the collective NFL fan, are gearing up for a mad-cap scramble to the finish, as seemingly 31 of the 32 teams somehow still usually have a mathematical shot at the playoffs. Here in 2012, the Browns still have no chance, but they’re joined in their Sea of Hopelessness this time by eight other teams in their conference. Four teams in the AFC have playoff spots either locked up or virtually locked up and the Colts have a stranglehold on one of the two wild-card spots, leaving only one playoff spot truly up for grabs with four games to play. Things are a tad murkier in the NFC, but even there it’s a pretty decent bet that the six teams that would qualify if the season ended today will end up being the six that qualify come Dec. 30. To which I say: WHERE IS THE CHAOS AND CONFUSION, MY FRIENDS? It’s December 5th and I already can’t pretend in the ESPN Playoff Machine that the Jaguars have a chance at making the playoffs? Ugh. Nonetheless, we press on with our final Quarterly Report of the season, summarizing what happened in the third quarter of the season and attempting to foretell what will occur in the fourth. If you like unexpected contenders and playoff teams coming out of NOWHERE to snag a spot at the end of the season…you won’t like these projections. ESTABLISHMENT, ESTABLISHMENT, YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHAT’S BEST…
AFC East
The Patriots probably played their best football of the season over the past four weeks, winning all four games with an average point total of 42 and leading Bill Belichick to unexpectedly open up and show candid admiration for Boston media members during his weekly press conferences. Just kidding! He still doesn’t give a crap about them. The Jets went 2-2 in November, but those two losses were such unmitigated disasters that no one could be bothered to cheer for the victories. The Bills also went .500 and completely turned things around defensively after their utterly horrid start. This development comes just in time for Chan Gailey to save his job and lead the Bills to another 6 or 7 win year in 2013. Huzzah! And with the exception of a spirited performance against the Seahawks, the Dolphins generally looked terrible and destroyed their once-decent chance of making the playoffs – but the sprinklers at their home field DID go off during a game, so that’s something to hold your head up high about. If the Patriots earn at least a split out of their next two home games against Houston and San Francisco, look for them to earn the second bye for the first round of the playoffs. And just as an FYI, the Jets DO have the easiest remaining schedule in the league. Unfortunately, they also have Mark Sanchez, Tim Tebow, and Greg McElroy as their quarterbacks, so…
Revised Win Projections
New England: 11.8 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: 1.013318. 3 home, 1 away.)
NY Jets: 7.1 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: .612476. 1 home, 3 away.)
Buffalo: 7.1 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: 1.031492. 3 home, 1 away.)
Miami: 6.5 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: 1.120318. 2 home, 2 away.)
AFC North
Baltimore kicked off the third quarter of the season with a 35-point blowout win over the Raiders, then played three-point games the rest of the way and relied on Ray Rice converting 4th-and-29s a bit too much for this reporter’s liking. Ben Roethlisberger got hurt in the Steelers’ Monday night win over the Chiefs and Pittsburgh’s offense struggled mightily as a result, turning what could have been a 4-0 stretch into 2-2. The Jekyll-and-Hyde Bengals, meanwhile, COMPLETELY turned things around from their awful October, winning four in a row and looking relatively dominant while doing so. And Cleveland proved that if they force eight turnovers in a game, they can possibly win by one score. BREAK UP THE BROWNS. The Dec. 23 Bengals-Steelers game will almost certainly decide who gets the last wild-card slot in the AFC; the Ravens, meanwhile, have the second-hardest remaining schedule in the league and will have no chance at a bye if they lose to Denver on Dec. 16.
Revised Win Projections
Baltimore: 10.6 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: 1.361765. 2 home, 2 away.)
Pittsburgh: 9.2 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: .8620415. 3 home, 1 away.)
Cincinnati: 9.0 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: .944512. 2 home, 2 away.)
Cleveland: 5.4 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: 1.012018. 2 home, 2 away.)
AFC South
The Texans had a few hiccups defensively in November but kept on rolling anyway, running their win streak to six and making them the de facto #1 seed in the conference. The Colts have probably been the best story in the NFL, however; they continue to improbably pull out close games and render every opponent powerless against the force that is #Chuckstrong – well, every opponent except Bill Belichick, that is. And the Titans and Jaguars both won a game in November but are otherwise really bad and not really worth talking about, so if you came to this place expecting hard-hitting Jaguars analysis…NO DICE. Not much changed overall in the AFC South in the third quarter: Houston remains the heavy favorite for the #1 seed and Indianapolis remains a heavy favorite to win a wild-card. Berth, that is. If they actually win a game in the playoffs, then we’ll have to investigate whether #Chuckstrong has endowed them with wizard-like powers…
Revised Win Projections
Houston: 13.5 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: .841303. 2 home, 2 away.)
Indianapolis: 9.6 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: .799873. 2 home, 2 away.)
Tennessee: 5.9 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: .694912. 2 home, 2 away.)
Jacksonville: 3.2 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: .898281. 2 home, 2 away.)
AFC West
As expected, Denver pulled away from the pack in November and actually clinched the division last week with their win over Tampa Bay. YEAH, BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE EXCITING IF TEBOW WAS STILL QUARTERBACK. The rest of the AFC West was…uhhhhhhh….well, San Diego was the only other team in the division that won a game in November and that was over the Chiefs, so let’s just put it that way and try to reserve any further snarky comment. Denver’s schedule remains soft as a baby’s bottom over the last four games; it would behoove them, however, to win out if they want to beat out New England for a bye.
Revised Win Projections
Denver: 12.2 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: .625293. 2 home, 2 away.)
San Diego: 5.7 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: .866415. 2 home, 2 away.)
Oakland: 4.6 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: .951818. 2 home, 2 away.)
Kansas City: 3.3 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: .818917. 1 home, 3 away.)
NFC East
The Giants looked like world-beaters against the Packers but otherwise had their usual November swoon, as mandated by the NFL to keep NFC East ratings up in December. The Redskins, on the other hand…they’ve had a pretty good two, three weeks here. They’ve won three in a row to get themselves back in the playoff discussion and RGIII chose Washington’s two nationally televised games of the season to play out of his mind – good timing, kid! Dallas has also won three out of four but I mean, let’s be real here, they’re Dallas, they’re going to find a way to screw things up in the end. And Philadelphia! My goodness, I’m going to miss having Andy Reid around next year. Godspeed, big fella. Now I’ve got as much of a man-crush on RGIII as the next football-loving male but the fact of the matter is the Giants still have a one-game lead on the Redskins and a not-particularly hard schedule the rest of the way. Doesn’t mean I won’t be rooting for them to choke so we get some hot RGIII action in the playoffs, though…
Revised Win Projections
NY Giants: 9.5 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: .958095. 2 home, 2 away.)
Washington: 8.5 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: .900609. 2 home, 2 away.)
Dallas: 8.2 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: 1.070404. 2 home, 2 away.)
Philadelphia: 4.5 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: 1.234324. 2 home, 2 away.)
NFC North
The Packers’ most worthy opponent so far has been the expectations created by last year’s team; if you take that out of the equation, you’ve got an 8-4 team that’s won six out of their last seven and now holds pole position in the race for the NFC North. That’s because the Bears stumbled in their toughest stretch of the season, going 1-3 and getting decimated by injuries in the process. Minnesota should probably just hand the ball off to Adrian Peterson every play; if they did that, maybe they would have done better than 1-3 in the third quarter and wouldn’t be a playoff longshot right now. And let’s give Detroit a round of applause for arguably outplaying their last three opponents – all at home, by the way – and still managing to find excruciating ways to lose to all three. Now that’s a REAL kick to the groin, Ndamukong. The Packers-Bears game on Dec.16 will still be the deciding factor in who wins the North. Of course, since the Packers are the better team, it’s reasonable to assume they’ll win that game and, by extension, the division. The Bears are probably thanking their lucky stars they still get to play Arizona; otherwise, their playoff hopes could be in serious jeopardy.
Revised Win Projections
Green Bay: 10.4 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: .989175. 2 home, 2 away.)
Chicago: 9.8 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: 1.055927. 1 home, 3 away.)
Minnesota: 7.6 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: 1.186633. 2 home, 2 away.)
Detroit: 6.4 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: .984395. 2 home, 2 away.)
NFC South
The Falcons managed to accomplish the thinkable and lose to the Saints to ruin their perfect season. After that, though, they went right back to winning close games regardless of whether Matt Ryan threw five interceptions or not. Tampa Bay rode a scorching hot offense to a 6-4 record but then lost close games to the Falcons and Broncos and are now playoff longshots as a result. New Orleans appears to have succumbed to a crazy tough schedule and the Curse of the Super Bowl Host City once again appears alive and well. And Carolina remains excellent at looking tough and annoying the crap out of me but poor at actually winning games. San Francisco’s trouble with the Rams has essentially gift-wrapped the #1 seed for the Falcons, despite their tough remaining schedule. And while Tampa Bay can’t be excluded from the playoff conversation yet, their horrendous pass defense seems to be making that an inevitability.
Revised Win Projections
Atlanta: 12.6 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: 1.268765. 2 home, 2 away.)
Tampa Bay: 8.1 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: .980276. 2 home, 2 away.)
New Orleans: 6.7 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: 1.248121. 2 home, 2 away.)
Carolina: 5.5 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: .786548. 2 home, 2 away.)
NFC West
Jim Harbaugh made a ballsy quarterback switch in San Francisco, Wally Pipp-ing a concussed Alex Smith with an impressive Colin Kaepernick. If it wasn’t for their desire to continually tie the Rams, the race for the NFC’s #1 seed would be a real discussion right now. Seattle’s ferocious defense from the first half faded in the third quarter of the season, but Russell Wilson’s development at quarterback more than picked up the slack and the Seahawks are now in the driver’s seat for a wild-card berth as a result. St. Louis continues to put up a bloody fight against a brutal schedule and Arizona has undergone a fascinating experiment in which they’ve played real NFL games with an IT guy at quarterback. Unfortunately for common men everywhere, the results haven’t been pretty. Expect San Francisco to snag the #2 seed and a first-round bye in the playoffs and Seattle to ride three home games and an impressive rookie quarterback of their own to a wild-card berth.
Revised Win Projections
San Francisco: 10.9 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: 1.038664. 2 home, 2 away.)
Seattle: 9.5 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: 1.168364. 3 home, 1 away.)
St. Louis: 7.0 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: 1.131218. 1 home, 3 away.)
Arizona: 5.1 wins. (Remaining strength of schedule: 1.375749. 2 home, 2 away.)
Revised Playoff Seeding Projections
AFC
- Houston
- New England*
- Denver*
- Baltimore
- Indianapolis
- Pittsburgh
NFC
- Atlanta
- San Francisco
- Green Bay
- NY Giants
- Seattle**
- Chicago**
*New England receives higher seed due to head-to-head victory over the Broncos on Oct. 7th.
**Seattle receives higher seed due to head-to-head victory over the Bears on Dec. 2nd.