Welcome to the Alberto Riveron Fun Fact of the Day! Each day, you’ll find out something new that you probably didn’t know about esteemed NFL referee Alberto Riveron. Please enjoy responsibly.
Did you know that…
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San Diego Chargers (previously known as the Los Angeles Chargers)
And now a story I call…Norv by Norvwest
“Mr. President, we need an answer.” The two CIA agents stood in front of the President’s desk in the Oval Office, hoping the constant shifting of weight from foot to foot didn’t betray their impatience.
“Mr. President, if I may offer a brief word of advice,” Agent Weddle said cautiously, “it would likely behoove us to act quickly and decisively. Our enemy doesn’t have the resources that we possess and if we meet them head-on now, we’ll likely be able to take the fight to them and dictate it on our own terms. The longer we wait, the less of an advantage we’ll have.”
“Yeh! And if we don’t go after ’em now, we ain’t gonna beat ’em, neither!” Agent Rivers added enthusiastically. Agent Weddle bit his tongue.
“Aw, you guys make some great points,” President Turner said, his swivel chair facing away from the agents. “But I’m not really sure making a decision is in our best interest at this time.”
The two agents exchanged pained looks.
“With all due respect, Mr. President,” Agent Weddle began again, “you have to keep in mind that we’re the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT. We’re more powerful than anyone else in the world…well, more powerful than anyone other than Chairman Belichick and China, but we like to pretend they don’t exist. Our arsenal of bombs and lethal weapons – even with the loss of the V-Jax – is enough to keep any nation awake at night, let alone a homeless man from Portland who’s protesting the price of coffee. Let’s take care of business here, shall we?”
“Yeh! Let me unleash Antonio, Malcolm, and Meachem on this darn ‘ol hipster!” Agent Rivers said excitedly. “This punk reminds me too much of Cutler – never gets excited, complains about everything, shoots me dirty looks whenever I tell Jeff Foxworthy jokes. Lemme at him, Mr. President, lemme at him!”
President Turner swiveled around to face the agents, his faced shrouded with constipation. “I understand and appreciate your concern, agents. But something I learned from my time as Secretary of State was this: never negotiate with terrorists. In fact, pretend they don’t exist at all. That way, you don’t have to worry about frightening things you don’t understand and can just go back to watching Doug cartoons.”
Just then, the White House Chief of Staff John Pagano opened the Oval Office door. “Mr. President? The man from Oregon is marching towards your office and he’s resisting all verbal entreaties to cease and desist.”
“This might actually be a good thing,” Agent Weddle said to himself, then straightened up and addressed the president in a confident tone. “Mr. President, just let him make his way down here. Agent Rivers and I can handle him ourselves with no issues. Just say the word and we’ll have that miscreant writhing on the floor in pain, wishing he’d never took issue with exorbitant coffee taxes.”
“Yeh!” Agent Rivers added, his eyes bugging out wide. “And this way, I’ll get back home in time to conceive my eighteenth child with my wife! C’mon, Norval, unleash the hounds!”
“Unleash us,” Agent Weddle said in a low, controlled voice. “Unleash us….”
President Turner was out of his chair and nervously pacing around the room. “Ohhhhh, so many decisions,” he said with a moan. “Why are there so many decisions? If I had known I’d have to make so many decisions in this job, I would have never agreed to be Jimmy Johnson’s successor…”
At that moment, the homeless man from Portland stormed into the room.
“AHHHHHH!!!!!” President Turner squealed and ducked behind his desk.
“President Norv,” the homeless man began in a voice that mixed vaguely threatening overtones and laid-back West Coast cadence, “I’m here today on behalf of the people of Portland to demand, like, more reasonable prices, you know, for our coffee. This seventy-cent tax is, like, a huge burden to the homeless community, bro. March into Congress and totally repeal that tax, dude.”
“What’ll you do if I don’t?” President Turner said quiveringly with his eyes barely peering over his desk.
“Well, then I think things’ll get, like, messy, bro,” the man said while taking an object out of his pocket and pointing it at the president.
“HE’S GOT A GUN! DO AS HE ASKS!!” President Turner yelped while ducking under the desk again.
“But, Mr. President!” Agent Weddle cried. “It’s not a gun at all! It’s just a banana!”
“DOESN’T MATTER!” President Turner responded. “IT MIGHT HAVE BROWN SPOTS ALL OVER AND BE PAST ITS PRIME! DO YOU WANT TO EAT A BANANA THAT’S OVERLY RIPE? BECAUSE I SURE DON’T! DO WHATEVER THE MAN SAYS!”
And thus begins the story of how the United States government was overthrown by a homeless man from Portland with no weapon to his name but a Chiquita banana (it actually was still green, probably a few days off from being eatable)…
Random thoughts
2011 was Philip Rivers’ worst season since 2007; after leading the NFL in yards per attempt for the previous three seasons, he fell to eighth last year while throwing 20 interceptions. Rivers will also be without his favorite deep threat, Vincent Jackson, this season; Jackson signed a big deal with Tampa Bay in the offseason. The Chargers signed Saints speedster Robert Meachem to mitigate that loss; Meachem has posted very strong efficiency numbers the past three seasons, but was never anything close to the focal point in the Saints passing attack…The Chargers’ defense was the real culprit in engineering yet another disappointing season. A year after allowing the fewest yards in the league, San Diego fell to 28th in Adjusted Net Yards per Attempt in 2011. And aside from All-Pro Safety Eric Weddle, the secondary remains old and porous…The Chargers should get a boost to their run defense, however, with the additions of nose tackle Aubrayo Franklin and outside linebacker Jarret Johnson. Both players are among the elite run-stuffers at their positions…
Outlook
In the past, whenever the Chargers have fallen short of expectations (which has been a lot), the common refrain from the media has always been, “What a waste of talent!” But in 2011, it looks like the Chargers had an eight-win season simply because they had about an eight-win talent level. Sure, Philip Rivers underperformed based on the extremely high standard he’d set from 2008 to 2010, but the defense collapsed simply because it had gotten old. This is no longer the most loaded roster in the NFL; what the Chargers now posses on their roster are a few Pro Bowl level players scattered around a bunch of aging veterans and young question marks. If Rivers rebounds to his pre-2011 form, the Chargers will likely win a weak AFC West. Even if that happens, however, the Super Bowl ceiling this team had throughout the late 2000s seems to have been lowered considerably.
2012 Projected Point Differential: 380.5-378.2
2012 Average Projection: 8.1-7.9 (2nd in AFC West)
Someone Still Loves You, Alberto Riveron 