Your Midweek Update on Meaningless Training Camp Battles 2

Every year during training camp, NFL fans breathlessly await golden nuggets of information regarding meaningless position battles that they will likely forget about in September. There are those golden nuggets regarding those meaningless position battles you will likely forget for this week…

Arizona Cardinals, Quarterback: Kevin Kolb vs. John Skelton. Kolb bruised his ribs in a wind-related incident in Sunday’s Hall of Fame Game loss to the Saints, but coach Ken Whisenhunt says the injury is minor and Kolb is expected to play in Friday’s exhibition game against the Chiefs. “He’s still a little sore,” Whisenhunt said, “but I don’t anticipate there being any problems as we progress through the week. As we speak, he’s back to overthrowing open receivers by ten yards, so as far as I’m concerned, he’s back to normal already.”

Seattle Seahawks, Quarterback: Matt Flynn vs. Tarvaris Jackson vs. Russell Wilson. Seahawks coach Pete Carroll said Flynn will start this week’s preseason opener against Tennessee but won’t commit to any decisions beyond that. “To make a big decision like this, it’s about your information that you gather, and I want really, really good information coming in so that we can make a really clear-cut choice as we do it,” Carroll said. “Also, the longer we wait to make a decision, the greater the likelihood that the spirit of 1989 Joe Montana invades one of our quarterbacks’ bodies, so that’s another reason.”

Houston Texans, Kicker: Randy Bullock vs. Shayne Graham. The rookie fifth-round pick Bullock has had a shaky camp, shanking some field goals and tweaking his groin. On the other hand, Shayne Graham is Shayne Graham, so this could be a real issue going forward. Former Texans kicker Kris Brown reportedly offered his interest in trying out for his former team, but was rebuffed and went back to opening his very own Dunkin Donuts in Omaha, Nebraska.

New England Patriots, Halfback: Stevan Ridley vs. Shane Vereen. Ridley is the frontrunner to scoring the cushiest starting gig in the league, but admits he has to remedy his fumbleitis. “The ball can’t be on the ground,” Ridley said. “That’s no secret.” A perplexed Hubie Brown agreed with Ridley but argued it’s tough for men of a certain age to do anything about that problem before realizing that Ridley had only been talking about a single ball.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Halfback: LeGarrette Blount vs. Doug Martin. Blount is the incumbent and owner of some pretty dazzling runs, but the versatile rookie Martin may be gaining the edge as training camp continues on. Rather than come up with his own reporting on the position battle, Sports Illustrated’s Peter King instead notes that Josh Freeman “rather enjoyed” a turkey, lettuce, and tomato sandwich and the turkey burger at the Bucs cafeteria rates a B+. Hard-hitting reporting, as always.

Baltimore Ravens, Backup Quarterback: Tyrod Taylor vs. Curtis Painter. Taylor will apparently be the first quarterback substituted for Joe Flacco in their opening preseason game against Atlanta, but he isn’t claiming victory in his battle against Painter. “We’re all making each other better,” Taylor said. “Of course, it’s a battle. It’s a battle every day between everybody on this team. But we’re striving to get better ourselves and to challenge each other to get better because in that way, we get better as a team.” Just then, Taylor was hit in the head by a stray football. “Dang it, man!” Taylor said angrily. “We’re thirty yards off the field! How in the hell did Curtis hit us from that far away?”

2012 Team Previews: Kansas City Chiefs

Kansas City Chiefs (previously known as the Dallas Texans)

• 2011 Record: 7-9 (4th in AFC West)
• 2011 Point Differential: -126 (29th out of 32)
• 2011 Strength of Schedule (per PFR’s SRS system): -0.2 (t-19th)
• 2011 Adjusted Net Yards per Pass Attempt (offense): 4.7 (t-25th)
• 2011 Adjusted Net Yards per Pass Attempt (defense): 5.8 (t-14th)
• 2011 Adjusted Pythagorean Record (accounting for Strength of Schedule): 3.6-12.4 (t-30th)
• 2010 Adjusted Pythagorean Record: 7.7-8.3 (18th)

And now it’s time for The Jaws of Life, your weekly half-hour interview show hosted by former NFL quarterback and current ESPN analyst Ron Jaworski. This week’s guest: former Kansas City Chiefs quarterback and current First Liberty bank teller Tyler Palko!

Ron Jaworski (RJ): Hello, everyone! And welcome to The Jaws of Life, THE fourth most-popular sports talk show on New Jersey public television! I’m so honored to be joined today by one of my personal heroes. Did you know that he is one of the only players ever to suit up for the Canadian Football League, the United Football League, the Lingerie Football League, AND the National Football League? *chuckles* What a resume! Without any further adieu, here’s one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history of the past year of the Kansas City Chiefs, Tyler Palko!

Tyler Palko (TP): Thanks, Jaws. I’d just like to thank you for bringing me on your show and especially for letting me eat the donuts in your green room. It’s nice to get a square meal for a change.

RJ: *forced chuckle* Haha, always a jokester! Well, let’s get right into it here, Tyler. You were thrown into some pretty adverse situations last year on the Chiefs, weren’t you?

TP: Oh, definitely, we really had a rollercoaster year. We started with those two blowout losses, we lost Jamaal (Charles), Eric (Berry), and Tony (Moeaki) all for the season, Coach Haley was forcing us to do the lawnscaping at his house after practice – it wasn’t very pleasant.

RJ: *eyes light up, heavy forced laughter* Hahaha, I SHOULD SAY NOT.

TP: And then, after we got on a roll again, we lost Matt (Cassel) for the season, which basically ruined our chances completely.

RJ: *look of shock and dismay* Oh, don’t sell yourself short here, Tyler! When the Lord shuts a door, he opens…another thing. This was YOUR opportunity of a lifetime! And just because the Chiefs only won one of the four games you started doesn’t mean you didn’t a PHENOMENAL job back there!

TP: Well, that’s really kind of you, Jaws. But to be completely honest, I sucked. I mean, I’ve always known that I’ve sucked, so my plan when I was still in the league was to never actually get put into a game. I mean, I BEGGED Coach Haley to put Ricky Stanzi ahead of me on the depth chart, but he said he needed to teach Ricky a lesson for incorrectly pruning his shrubs. So all year, I was just praying that Matt would stay healthy and I would just get to wear that earpiece and hold the clipboard on the sideline and not have to actually do anything. *blushes slightly* I don’t mean to brag, but I am a pretty phenomenal clipboard holder.

RJ: *roars with laughter, holds his sides and paunch* HOHOHOHO, of course you are, Tyler! Don’t forget you’re talking to the guy who LOVES watching film! *guffaws for a few more minutes before finally settling down* Call me crazy, though, but I saw a lot of good things from you when you were out there starting. In your first start against the fearsome New England Patriots, you led the Chiefs to THREE POINTS. Not bad for a guy who supposedly “sucks,” am I right?

TP: Well, actually, no. That’s not a good total at all.

RJ: *pretends not to hear anything* Then, in your next start, you went up against the fearsome PITTSBURGH STEELERS DEFENSE and kept your team in the game the entire way!

TP: Yeah, but that was all because of our defense. And I don’t know if you remember this, but I threw a couple of interceptions that were so bad Cris Collinsworth almost had an aneurysm in the booth trying to explain them.

RJ: *pretends not to hear anything, right eye begins to twitch violently* And then! You led your Chiefs to a road victory over the CHICAGO BEARS thanks to a brilliant HAIL MARY pass at the end of the first half!

TP: *smiles slightly* Yeah, that was the highlight of my year. It was also a complete accident, too. Urlacher had come up to me before the game and asked, since I was going to throw three or four picks anyway, would I mind giving him one of them? And I just thought that was a very gentlemanly way to ask it, so I told him I would and that Hail Mary was supposed to be his. I don’t know why he batted it straight to Dexter McCluster.

RJ: *looks pleadingly at Palko* I’ll tell you why he batted it over to McCluster. He was so drawn by the force of your INTERNAL FORTITUDE that he had no choice but to drop that easy interception. If I may be forthright with you, Tyler…*begins to slob slightly*…I can’t understand…why you’re not on an NFL roster right now…*reaches for hankie, blows very loudly*…

TP: Oh, again, that’s really sweet of you to say, Jaws. But, really, the reason is because I’m terrible. I am just completely awful in every single attribute it takes to be a successful quarterback, so I’ve given up on that and am pretty excited about my new line of work at the First Liberty bank. They let me eat as many chocolate chip cookies on break as I want. It’s so awesome!

RJ: *instantly shifts from bawling to chortling with glee, violently slaps his thigh several times* HOHOHOHOHOHOHO! Now that’s what you call STRENGTH in the face of ADVERSITY! Thanks so much for joining me on The Jaws of Life today, Tyler. It’s been a great pleasure and I would just like you to know that, if I ever had a front office position for an organization in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, you would be MY quarterback!

TP: Thank you so much, Jaws, you’ve been so kind. Also, we can talk about this off-air or whatever, but would it be possible for you to pay my bus fare back to Pennsylvania? I spent my last fifteen bucks getting down here.

RJ: *rolls on the floor laughing* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HA! I told you this guy was a jokester, didn’t I?! *wipes forehead with handkerchief* Hoo-wee. Well, that’s all the time we have for today, folks! Join us next time on The Jaws of Life for a very special sitdown interview with my good friend Derek Anderson, as we relive the phenomenon that was the 2007 Cleveland Browns. Thanks for watching!

Random thoughts

The image you see above is Jamaal Charles clutching his torn ACL in week 2 of last season, a huge loss not only for the Chiefs obviously but for the league as a whole. Charles was the most exciting running back in the league in 2010, averaging a mind-boggling 6.4 yards per carry on 230 attempts; for his career, he’s averaged 6.1 yards per carry. It goes without saying that getting Charles back to something approaching his pre-injury self is of the foremost importance for the Chiefs…Here’s the Adjusted Net Yards per Attempt ranking of all the quarterbacks who threw at least 1500 passes from 2008 through 2011. As you can see, Matt Cassel does not fare particularly well, only playing more efficiently over that time span than Matt Hasselbeck and Ryan Fitzpatrick. You also probably noticed a certain quarterback renowned for his neckbeard ranking substantially higher than Cassel. If only the Chiefs had had a chance to secure that player on their roster for the upcoming season…After an awful start, the Chiefs’ defense settled in last year and became a top ten unit. Linebacker Derrick Johnson joined Tamba Hali as a Pro Bowl-level player and the return of promising safety Eric Berry from injury should more than offset the loss of cornerback Brandon Carr in free agency…

 

Outlook

There’s a lot of optimism surrounding the Chiefs this offseason and it’s generally based around the fact that they’re got basically nothing from two Pro Bowl-level players (Jamaal Charles and Eric Berry) and a third player who could get on that level (Tony Moeaki) last season, lost their starting quarterback (Matt Cassel) for almost half the season, and still managed to win seven games despite all that. With all those players back healthy this year, the expectation seems to be that the Chiefs should easily bounce back to the 10-win outfit they were in 2010. And while we agree that getting Charles, Berry, et. al will significantly improve the quality of the Chiefs, we must also note that the Chiefs were TREMONDOUSLY lucky in getting to seven wins last year. Look at that Adjusted Pythagorean record at the top of the page. Yes, it’s the exact same as the Colts last year. Thus, in making our prediction, we have to consider the 2011 Chiefs as the 3-to-4 win quality team they probably were in actuality. We also need to remember that, other than taking advantage of a very soft schedule and posting an unsustainably good interception rate in 2010, Matt Cassel has done absolutely nothing in Kansas City to suggest he deserves to be a starting quarterback in the NFL. The defense is strong and the division is weak, but right now the Chiefs look primed for another season in the neighborhood of seven wins.

2012 Projected Point Differential:  283.7-340.0

2012 Average Projection: 6.3-9.7 (4th in AFC West)