Week 9 Quick Thoughts

Scattered stats and thoughts regarding Week 9 of the 2012 NFL Season…

Pittsburgh 24, NY Giants 20

Adjusted Yards per Play: 4.55 – Pittsburgh, 3.27 – NY Giants

AY/P Projected Point Totals: Pittsburgh 22.43, NY Giants 11.21

Quick Thoughts:

1. I guess the obvious question we should be asking first is this: what in the world is Eli looking at in the above picture that is making his eyes bug out so? He’s been sacked plenty of times before, so it can’t be surprise that he’s being hit. Did Tom Coughlin momentarily disrobe on the sideline directly in front of him? If so, then I can’t blame Eli’s look of sheer terror – not even Mrs. Coughlin would want to see that anymore, I don’t think. What if LaMarr Woodley was telling him that Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny don’t exist anymore? If that’s the case, Eli’s not going to get as much as slack from this writer. According to this 2006 poll, the average American child stops believing in Santa at age eight and only fifteen percent of those surveyed believed past age ten. Wouldn’t it be quintessential Eli if he was JUST NOW learning that Santa wasn’t real? I’m going to live the rest of my life under the assumption that this is the case. It’ll make all Giants games and Eli commercials approximately 27% more enjoyable, I feel.

2. For those who enjoy proper rule enforcement according to the letter of the law: YES THE STEELERS GOT SCREWED OVER BY THE OFFICIATING IN THE FIRST HALF. I thought Roethlisberger’s quasi-tuck was a fumble, but I’ve seen that play get called an incompletion a ton, too, so that call, at best, inhabited a murky, gray area of the rulebook and human knowledge. What was not murky and gray was JPP’s BLATANT CLIP on Heath Miller at the end of Michael Boley’s fumble return. In addition, Ryan Clark’s big hit on Victor Cruz in the end zone was entirely legal and could only be considered a hit to the head if we, as a society, have decided to call our kidneys the “head” now. On the other hand, why am I defending Pittsburgh? Roethlisberger is a scum-sucking weasel and Ryan Clark would have hit a defenseless player in the head eventually, anyway. Might as well get the penalty out of the way early.

3. Finally, let’s all congratulate the New York media for successfully blowing a close loss to a good team COMPLETELY OUT OF PROPORTION. What’s this? The defending Super Bowl champions who came in with a 6-2 record, a four-game winning streak and a two-game lead in the division lost a game? HIDE THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN, 6-10 IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER. Eli may never complete another pass. Time for the David Carr Era to begin. BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!

Atlanta 19, Dallas 13

Adjusted Yards per Play: 7.51 – Atlanta, 7.35 – Dallas

AY/P Projected Point Totals: Atlanta 33.80, Dallas 28.35

Quick Thought: Jason Garrett is a really bad head coach. I know this isn’t a particularly revelatory or insightful comment, but my goodness. The Cowboys consistently moved the ball up and down the field in the first half via the forward pass; they had 23 yards rushing at halftime. Naturally, the enlightened Princeton graduate Garrett thought of the second half as the perfect time to ESTABLISH THE RUN and take the ball out of Tony Romo’s hands. In related news, the Cowboys did nothing offensively in the second half except for the one drive where they let Tony Romo run the hurry-up offense. In which case, they went the length of the field for a touchdown in six plays. If Jerry Jones were still alive, you can bet he wouldn’t be standing for this.

Denver 31, Cincinnati 23

Adjusted Yards per Play: 5.39 – Denver, 5.01 – Cincinnati

AY/P Projected Point Totals: Denver 23.49, Cincinnati 25.77

Quick Thought: The Broncos play at the Colts next season, so the “Peyton returns to Indianapolis!” storyline will surface no later than 2013, but what if they meet each other in the first round of the playoffs? I’m almost positive said game would get decent ratings. I’m almost positive.

Carolina 21, Washington 13

Adjusted Yards per Play: 7.80 – Carolina, 4.76 – Washington

AY/P Projected Point Totals: Carolina 27.86, Washington 25.50

Quick Thought: One thing that Lucas and I forgot to talk about in our otherwise brilliant Week 9 picks post was the election subplot surrounding the outcome of the Redskins game. I’ll let Lucas’ texts from yesterday afternoon tell the story:

• LUCAS (12:25 P.M.): Except for 2004, when the Skins lose their last home game before the election, the incumbent loses. Skins win, incumbent gets reelected.
• LUCAS (12:27 P.M.): RG3/CAM AREN’T JUST PLAYING FOR THEIR FUTURES. THEY’RE PLAYING FOR AMERICA.
• NATHANIEL (12:31 P.M.): Haha yeah I thought about that after I sent my picks over. What happens if the Skins tie? Electoral college deadlock? LET’S ROOT FOR THIS TO HAPPEN.
• LUCAS (12:31 P.M.): I LIKE IT!

Sadly, a tie did not occur. Ignore all the other statistical indicators predicting a comfortable victory for you, President Obama: you’re gonna lose the election. THAT’S A FACT.

Seattle 30, Minnesota 20

Adjusted Yards per Play: 6.55 – Seattle, 4.38 – Minnesota

AY/P Projected Point Totals: Seattle 33.22, Minnesota 16.58

Quick Thought: Russell Wilson’s slowly and steadily improved just about every week this season (somewhere in the Los Angeles area, Bill Simmons is shouting, “I told you so!” and then going back to rolling around naked in a swimming pool filled with Larry Bird posters). Christian Ponder’s slowly and steadily descended into dogcrap every week this season. Call it “A Tale of Two Quarterbacks.” POSITIVELY DICKENS-IAN.

Indianapolis 23, Miami 20

Adjusted Yards per Play: 7.41 – Indianapolis, 6.98 – Miami

AY/P Projected Point Totals: Indianapolis 39.70, Miami 28.92

Quick Thought: Unsustainable Stat Alert: The Colts are now 5-1 in one-possession games this season; I trust you can make the appropriately “looks like they’ve got LUCK on their side!” pun for yourself. Meanwhile, I remain pleasantly surprised how non-terrible Ryan Tannehill has looked this season. He has shown himself capable of completing a forward pass AND when you type in “Ryan Tannehill” into Google Images, he now appears in about 50% of the first couple pages of images. SEE LAUREN? PEOPLE LIKE ME TOO NOW KIND OF.

Tampa Bay 42, Oakland 32

Adjusted Yards per Play: 9.29 – Tampa Bay, 4.92 – Oakland

AY/P Projected Point Totals: Tampa Bay 41.81, Oakland 26.36

Quick Thought: If you’re looking for a dark horse Wild-Card candidate in the NFC…well, Tampa Bay’s starting to look like a pretty good choice. Since they came off their bye, their offense has been playing at a level that would cause the ’99 Rams to cry in shame. I’m about 95% certain Doug Martin was literally on fire yesterday. Might be the reason he broke off all those long runs in the second half: how can we expect the Raiders to try to tackle him IF THEY’RE GOING TO GET THIRD-DEGREE BURNS JUST ATTEMPTING IT? Think about that, all you Monday Morning quarterbacks out there, before you pass judgment on that poor defense.

Houston 21, Buffalo 9

Adjusted Yards per Play: 7.12 – Houston, 4.53 – Buffalo

AY/P Projected Point Totals: Houston 31.02, Buffalo 18.44

Quick Thought: Signs Buffalo’s run defense may be turning a corner: Arian Foster rushed for ONLY 111 yards on ONLY 24 carries and ONLY scored one touchdown. That’s just 4.6 yards per carry! Keep this up, Buffalo, and people will start thinking you actually have an NFL-caliber run defense.

Chicago 51, Tennessee 20

Adjusted Yards per Play: 5.97 – Chicago, 2.33 – Tennessee

AY/P Projected Point Totals: Chicago 27.72, Tennessee 9.15

Quick Thought: Look, I have no illusions that he’ll be able to keep this up in the second half and keep pace with J.J. Watt in the Defensive Player of the Year race, but what Peanut Tillman’s done in the first half of this season has been just absolutely amazing. Forced fumbles is a stat that hasn’t been well-tracked in the past, so who knows what the actual record for a single season is, but right now Tillman’s on track to destroy Osi Umenyiora and Dwayne Harper’s listed record of ten. No one is better at punching balls. Well, no one other than Kevin Garnett.

Green Bay 31, Arizona 17

Adjusted Yards per Play: 5.99 – Green Bay, 5.08 – Arizona

AY/P Projected Point Totals: Green Bay 29.95, Arizona 23.95

Quick Thought: Aaron Rodgers’ 60 Minutes interview last night was, for the most part, phenomenally non-enlightening (you would expect nothing less from a Scott Pelley piece), but one of the few things we did learn is that if you want to get on Rodgers’ nerves, just make fun of his height (he’s “only” 6’2″) or say something along the lines of “Wow, I thought you’d be bigger in person.” Apparently, that really gets under his skin and causes him to say wildly inappropriate things such as “I don’t appreciate that.” Food for thought if you ever meet him, Lucas.

Baltimore 25, Cleveland 15

Adjusted Yards per Play: 5.52 – Baltimore, 3.08 – Cleveland

AY/P Projected Point Totals: Baltimore 24.45, Cleveland 14.30

Quick Thought: Another golden texting exchange from Lucas and myself yesterday for your reading pleasure:

• LUCAS (1:44 P.M.): Pulled up the BAL-CLE game. Brandon Weeden has a funny look on his face. As I sat here trying to find out what it meant he threw a pick. I feel this is significant.
• NATHANIEL (1:46 P.M.): Was it a look of constipation? I bet it was a look of constipation.
• LUCAS (1:47 P.M.): I could maybe see it being one of mild constipation. Maybe confusion, maybe misplaced condescension. Hard to say for sure
• NATHANIEL (1:49 P.M.): Call it constifusionscension. Rolls off the tongue very easily!

There you have it. Yesterday, Brandon Weeden was constifusionscended and threw an interception as a result. THUS ENDS OUR EXPERT ANALYSIS.

Detroit 31, Jacksonville 14

Adjusted Yards per Play: 7.56 – Detroit, 3.88 – Jacksonville

AY/P Projected Point Totals: Detroit 36.72, Jacksonville 16.35

Quick Thought: We all thought it was monumentally stupid for the Jaguars to wear their black jerseys in 87 degree heat against the Bears a month ago. Little did we know at the time (unless you were a devoted Jaguars fan, but I seriously doubt that, no such people actually exist) that they were actually switching to black as their main home jersey for the rest of the season. Thus, Shahid Khan goes down in the record books as the first professional sports owner in history who actively attempted to kill his players via heat stroke. TRULY THIS IS A MODEL FRANCHISE.