2012 NFL Week 9 Preview

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Before we get into our Week 9 preview, let’s post a quick recap on last night’s Chiefs-Chargers game…

San Diego 31, Kansas City 13
Adjusted Yards per Play: 7.11 – San Diego, 2.73 – Kansas City
AY/P Projected Point Totals: San Diego 23.87, Kansas City 11.70

Quick Thought: With four more turnovers last night, the Chiefs’ total for the first half of the season rises to an astonishing 29. They’re unlikely to have such terrible fumble luck going forward (they’ve only recovered four of their nineteen offensive fumbles so far), but if they keep this pace up they’ll wind up with a turnover total that only two teams in the last FIFTY YEARS have reached. And they’re doing this at a time in NFL history when turnovers have never been LESS likely to occur. There’s still the second half of the season to be played, but Kansas City’s first half is certainly up there with the worst teams of all time.

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Below are SSLYAR’s Week 8 NFL Projections, ranked by the author’s subjective interest in watching each game. Home teams are italicized; projected winners against the spread are underlined. To see which games are being shown in your area, check out the506′s TV distribution maps. Our guest analyst this week is a magician from Orange County, California: Gob Bluth.

  1. New York Giants 28, Pittsburgh Steelers 21 (in-depth preview here): “Illusion, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money…or candy!”
  2. Dallas Cowboys 24, Atlanta Falcons 23: “You’re a good guy, mon frère. That means ‘brother’  in French. I don’t know why I know that. I took four years of Spanish!”
  3. Denver Broncos 28, Cincinnati Bengals 20: “Dad asked me to do this on the day he pleads not guilty, as a spectacular protest. A protestacular!”
  4. Washington Redskins 28, Carolina Panthers 27: “Franklin said some things Whitey wasn’t ready to hear…he also said some things that African-American-y wasn’t ready to hear either.”
  5. New Orleans Saints 26, Philadelphia Eagles 24: “I’m looking for something to give my dingle less tingle.”
  6. Seattle Seahawks 19, Minnesota Vikings 13: “Michael, you have a chance to save this family. Please, do the right thing here – string this blind girl along so that Dad doesn’t have to pay his debt to society.”
  7. Miami Dolphins 17, Indianapolis Colts 16: “Oh, now you love the ten commandments, yet you’re the one who so conveniently forgot ‘Thou shalt protect thy father, and honor no one above him, unless it be-eth me, thy sweet Lord.'”
  8. Oakland Raiders 28, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 27: “Yeah, the guy wearing the $4,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn’t make that in four months. COME ON!”
  9. Houston Texans 31, Buffalo Bills 20: “You didn’t eat that dove, did you? Because I only have a couple of days left to return it.”
  10. Chicago Bears 21, Tennessee Titans 17: “Portugal? Gonna live it up down ol’ South America way, eh, Mikey?”
  11. Green Bay Packers 23, Arizona Cardinals 14: “Don’t you worry. It will take a lot more than a heart attack to kill that old bear. Old bear! He likes the honey.”
  12. Baltimore Ravens 26, Cleveland Browns 20: “First place chick is hot but has an attitude: doesn’t ‘date’ magicians. Second place is someone weird usually, like a Chinese girl… or a geologist.”
  13. Detroit Lions 24, Jacksonville Jaguars 16: “I’ve made a huge mistake.”

2012 Record Thus Far: 75-44 (10-4 last week)

2012 Record Against the Spread: 51-68 (7-7 last week)

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