Daily Archives: 10/05/2012

2012 NFL Week 5 Preview

Before we get into our Week 5 preview, let’s post a quick recap on last night’s Cardinals-Rams game…

St. Louis 17, Arizona 3
Adjusted Yards per Play: 4.39 – St. Louis, 3.05 – Arizona
AY/P Projected Point Totals: St. Louis 16.93, Arizona 16.56

Quick Thought: Because Arizona promptly began crapping the bed whenever they entered the red zone, a virtually even game ended up with St. Louis winning by a fairly comfortable margin. It looks like Danny Amendola broke his collarbone, however, so the Rams’ receiving core once again consists of five homeless people who came inside to get a warm meal (it’s nice to know some things in the NFL never change). Meanwhile, the Cardinals’ offensive line might just be life-alteringly bad; Kevin Kolb’s penchant for holding onto the ball for five seconds doesn’t help their cause, but the Rams were living in the Cardinals’ backfield all night on just three-and-four-man pressures. Hopefully the ’72 Dolphins aren’t so stuck on themselves that they celebrated this one.

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Below are SSLYAR’s Week 5 NFL Projections, ranked by the author’s subjective interest in watching each game. Home teams are italicized; projected winners against the spread are underlined. To see which games are being shown in your area, check out the506′s TV distribution maps. Our guest analyst this week is a regional manager of a small paper supply company in Slough, England: David Brent.

  1. New England Patriots 31, Denver Broncos 27 (in-depth preview here): “What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It’s the people, investment in people. My proudest moment here wasn’t when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. It was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went ‘Mr Brent, will you be the Godfather to my child?’… Didn’t happen in the end. We had to let him go, he was rubbish. He was rubbish.”
  2. Philadelphia Eagles 26, Pittsburgh Steelers 23: “I haven’t got a sign on the door that says ‘white people only’. I don’t care if you’re black, brown, yellow – Orientals make very good workers.”
  3. Atlanta Falcons 33, Washington Redskins 31: “Look at this – ‘Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs.’ Now you do not punish a girl, Dutch or otherwise, for having big boobs.”
  4. New Orleans Saints 28, San Diego Chargers 23: “I think there’s been a rape up there! … I got his attention. Get their attention.”
  5. San Francisco 49ers 30, Buffalo Bills 21: “And don’t call my second in command an ass-faced-weasel.”
  6. Carolina Panthers 21, Seattle Seahawks 19: “Who says famine has to be depressing?”
  7. Indianapolis Colts 28, Green Bay Packers 27: “You’ve seen me entertain and raise money, but maybe I’d like to do that in the future for a living, you know. Use my humour and my profile to both help and amuse people, you know. And if it’s ideas for TV shows, game shows or whatever you want, I’m your man. I’m already exploring the entertainment avenue with my management training, but I’d like to do that on a global scale really. And that’s not going ‘Ooh, look at me today, I’m entertaining whilst saving lives, aren’t I brilliant?’ It’s going, ‘If you think I’m brilliant, then give generously and help save these guys who are starving, but are also brilliant.’ Not as entertainers, a lot of them can’t even speak English, but you know, don’t give them their own game show, but save them from dying at least. And then maybe they could do something in their own country, on television or whatever they have, the wireless or I don’t know, give them a job on the world service or something.”
  8. Houston Texans 20, New York Jets 10: “Excuse me, everybody. What am I doing in there with a dildo?”
  9. Minnesota Vikings 21, Tennessee Titans 17: “I froze your tears, and made a dagger / and stabbed it in my cock, forever.”
  10. Cincinnati Bengals 28, Miami Dolphins 24: “Well, there’s good news and bad news. The bad news is that Neil will be taking over both branches, and some of you will lose your jobs. Those of you who are kept on will have to relocate to Swindon, if you wanna stay. I know. Gutting. On a more positive note, the good news is I’ve been promoted, so… every cloud. You’re still thinking about the bad news, aren’t you?”
  11. Baltimore Ravens 31, Kansas City Chiefs 20: “We all wake up and we go ‘oh, I ache, I’m not 18 any more, you know, I’m thirty ni- you know, I’m in my thirties, I’m not-‘, but so what, at least I’ve got my health. And if you haven’t got your health-if you’ve got one leg, at least I haven’t got two legs missing. And if you have lost both legs and both arms, just go ‘at least I’m not dead.’ … I’d rather be dead in that situation, to be honest.”
  12. New York Giants 27, Cleveland Browns 17: “If you were to ask me to name three geniuses, I probably wouldn’t say Einstein, Newton…I’d go Milligan, Cleese, Everett. Sessions.”
  13. Chicago Bears 24, Jacksonville Jaguars 10: “‘If you want the rainbow, you’ve gotta put up with the rain.’ Do you know which ‘philosopher’ said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she’s just a big pair of tits.”

2012 Record Thus Far: 38-26 (11-4 last week)

2012 Record Against the Spread Thus Far: 27-37 (8-7 last week)