Week 12 Power Rankings: Wilford Brimley Sandwich, Snowmobile of Franklin…

Welcome to the Week 12 edition of Someone Still Loves You Alberto Riveron’s weekly NFL power rankings. To help us make sense of what happened during this last batch of NFL action, we’ve asked legendary actor Wilford Brimley to share his thoughts with us below. Please enjoy.

Ahhhhh…another crisp, clear, beautiful day here in Greybull, Wyoming. There’s not a lot of noise out here, not a lot of opportunities for distraction – just wide open ranches and mountain ranges as far as the eye can see. It’s a place for enjoying the quiet moments in life. Like watching the sun rise from your front porch with a diabetic cookie in hand. Or driving up the Rocky Mountains a ways and admiring the scenic overlook down below with a diabetic brownie in tow. Or organizing the largest cockfighting ring in Big Horn County and watching the action unfold in your back yard while enjoying some meaty diabetic lasagna. I would invite the lot of you to come down here and see the wonders of Greybull for yourself. But then our population would be liable to rise above 2,000. And I don’t like crowds.

See, Greybull is the place for getting away from it all. Los Angeles County as currently constituted is too enamored with glitz and glamour for a simple mountain man from Salt Lake City, Utah such as myself. I recently took up late night television host Craig Ferguson’s offer to appear on his Really, Really Late Show and, in doing so, made my first visit to Southern California in close to five years. Now Craig is a very nice young man and I wish him the best in all his studies, but all the same I’ve questioned my decision to go back to Hollywood ever since I stepped foot in that glorified parking lot they call a city. Take, for example, the simple task of urinating. In Greybull, vast snowfall abounds throughout the early fall through the early spring and provides an enticing target to take care of my business. Sometimes when I get particularly wild and crazy, I attempt to spell out my name or pretend I’m injecting a deadly acid into the eyes of that lout Michael Gallagher from my 1981 movie Absence of Malice. In Hollywood, however, no such wide open spaces exist. You’re allowed only a small foot, foot-and-a-half opening in which to relieve your distress and the other gentlemen using the same room often frown upon you when you shout, “YOU CAN GO ROT IN HELL, MICHAEL GALLAGHER, WE ALL KNOW YOU WERE THE ONE WHO SET UP QUINN.” The whole process becomes an exercise in confining and emasculating futility.

So as soon as I accomplished what I had set out to California to do – namely, tape an eight-minute segment for a television show that airs at 12:30 in the morning on the East Coast – I returned at once to the beloved place I call home. I don’t often seek out the company of other people while I’m on my ranch in Greybull – the wonderful spectacle that is cockfighting is more than enough to light any man’s soul on fire – but occasionally I do run into some old friends who have done exciting things out in the world of sport and politic. I eat steak and play poker once a month with Jim Crawford, former running back for the Boston Patriots back in the 1960s. I sometimes visit with former Vice President Dick Cheney and watch from afar as he shoots his own men on hunting expeditions. And I’ve also struck up a bit of friendship with current Pittsburgh Steeler defensive end Brett Keisel, who obviously owns quite an impressive bit of facial hair. You may not know this, but Brett was actually convinced to grow his beard out to its current homeless-man length during a conversation with yours truly over some diabetic candy. He was running his mouth about all manner of things and I sat back and let the young man have his fun for a time. But when he started poking fun at my mustache and claimed that he could grow better facial hair in his sleep, I threw my Sugar-Free Werther’s Original Hard Candy in his face and told him, “YOUNG MAN THIS IS A MUSTACHE THAT HAS CAUSED NO ONE LESS THAN ROBERT REDFORD TO TREMBLE WITH FEAR AND URINATE HIS PANTS ON COMMAND. UNTIL YOU GROW SOMETHING MORE IMPRESSIVE THAN THIS, I SUGGEST YOU KEEP YOUR THOUGHTS TO YOURSELF.” Then, lo and behold, he did end up growing something more impressive. Nice young man.

Now, as I finish sharing my thoughts and turn my attention back toward diabetic chocolate cake and the ever-growing cockfighting ring in my back yard, I look out my kitchen window and see all the glory and wonder that God has gracefully bestowed upon Greybull. The snow-capped mountaintops, the winding river canyons, the bloody decapitated head of a male chicken – everything a liberty-loving seventy-eight year-old man could possibly want or need lies within these town limits. And to anyone who has read my glowing descriptions of Greybull and is feeling an urge from deep within to move to this wonderful town, I offer the following words: for the love of all that is holy, stay the heck away. I’m too old to start sharing my urinating field with others now.

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A quick thought on Monday Night’s game…

Carolina 30, Philadelphia 22
Adjusted Yards per Play: 7.35 – Carolina, 5.23 – Philadelphia
AY/P Projected Point Totals: Carolina 34.13, Philadelphia 17.93

Quick Thought: I don’t have much interest in bashing Andy Reid or Ron Rivera this week, so I’d instead like to talk about Cam Newton’s fantastic new Play60 ad that you likely saw approximately 738 times over this past weekend. Even though it was repeated ad nauseum, it was still the third-biggest star of the holiday for me, coming just behind Robert Griffin III and Al Michaels’ tongue-in-cheek over/under references. The little kid is obviously the scene-stealer here, but Cam also shows impressive straight-man skills; perhaps he’s auditioning for a Detlef Schrempf-esque cameo on Parks and Recreation? Maybe Tom Haverford and Jean Ralphio start up an NFL-related entertainment agency and Cam has to be the voice of reason? There’s laughs here, Michael Schur!

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Here’s SSLYAR’s Week 12 rankings by Adjusted Yards per Play Differential, which is a descriptive metric that is designed to give an accurate representation of how each team has played thus far. San Francisco enjoys another week at the top of these rankings after their win against the Saints; their newest challenger is New England, who records their highest ranking of the season after their embarassment of the Jets. Cleveland uses the eight turnovers they forced (or received as an early Christmas present, depending on your perspective) against the Steelers to jump five spots from #22 to #17; Green Bay has the biggest fall this week after their blowout loss to the Giants, falling from #7 to #12.

Adjusted Yards per Play Differential (league average: 0.00)

  1. San Francisco: 2.43 (last week: 1, high–>low: 1–>11)
  2. New England: 1.89 (last week: 2, high–>low: 2–>8)
  3. Houston: 1.40 (last week: 3, high–>low: 1–>5)
  4. Denver: 1.39 (last week: 4, high–>low: 4–>19)
  5. Baltimore: 1.19 (last week: 5, high–>low: 1–>9)
  6. Chicago: 1.01 (last week: 6, high–>low: 1–>14)
  7. NY Giants: 1.01 (last week: 10, high–>low: 4–>26)
  8. Washington: 0.99 (last week: 9, high–>low: 5–>15)
  9. Tampa Bay: 0.79 (last week: 8, high–>low: 7–>29)
  10. Cincinnati: 0.73 (last week: 14, high–>low: 10–>32)
  11. Atlanta: 0.60 (last week: 12, high–>low: 1–>12)
  12. Green Bay: 0.52 (last week: 7, high–>low: 7–>22)
  13. Seattle: 0.46 (last week: 11, high–>low: 11–>19)
  14. Carolina: 0.30 (last week: 16, high–>low: 9–>23)
  15. Pittsburgh: 0.12 (last week: 13, high–>low: 8–>24)
  16. Detroit: 0.06 (last week: 15, high–>low: 11–>22)
  17. Cleveland: -0.03 (last week: 22, high–>low: 17–>27)
  18. Minnesota: -0.18 (last week: 17, high–>low: 7–>18)
  19. New Orleans: -0.27 (last week: 18, high–>low: 18–>29)
  20. St. Louis: -0.35 (last week: 24, high–>low: 16–>28)
  21. San Diego: -0.44 (last week: 21, high–>low: 7–>25)
  22. Arizona: -0.54 (last week: 19, high–>low: 10–>22)
  23. Dallas: -0.63 (last week: 20, high–>low: 7–>23)
  24. Miami: -0.73 (last week: 25, high–>low: 18–>31)
  25. Buffalo: -0.89 (last week: 27, high–>low: 5–>30)
  26. NY Jets: -0.97 (last week: 23, high–>low: 12–>30)
  27. Tennessee: -1.05 (last week: 26, high–>low: 26–>31)
  28. Jacksonville: -1.30 (last week: 30, high–>low: 23–>31)
  29. Oakland: -1.50 (last week: 28, high–>low: 16–>30)
  30. Indianapolis: -1.57 (last week: 31, high–>low: 27–>31)
  31. Philadelphia: -1.66 (last week: 29, high–>low: 8–>31)
  32. Kansas City: -2.78 (last week: 32, high–>low: 30–>32)

Offensive Adjusted Yards per Play (league average: 4.99)

  1. New England: 6.50 (last week: 1, high–>low: 1–>12)
  2. Washington: 6.34 (last week: 5, high–>low: 1–>6)
  3. Tampa Bay: 6.27 (last week: 4, high–>low: 1–>29)
  4. San Francisco: 6.20 (last week: 3, high–>low: 1–>12)
  5. New Orleans: 6.09 (last week: 2, high–>low: 2–>22)
  6. Houston: 5.76 (last week: 7, high–>low: 6–>11)
  7. Atlanta: 5.70 (last week: 8, high–>low: 2–>9)
  8. NY Giants: 5.63 (last week: 11, high–>low: 1–>17)
  9. Baltimore: 5.62 (last week: 6, high–>low: 1–>9)
  10. Denver: 5.48 (last week: 10, high–>low: 10–>23)
  11. Green Bay: 5.47 (last week: 9, high–>low: 6–>24)
  12. Cincinnati: 5.40 (last week: 13, high–>low: 7–>25)
  13. Detroit: 5.33 (last week: 12, high–>low: 9–>18)
  14. Carolina: 5.06 (last week: 20, high–>low: 4–>22)
  15. Seattle: 4.87 (last week: 21, high–>low: 15–>30)
  16. Buffalo: 4.86 (last week: 17, high–>low: 5–>20)
  17. St. Louis: 4.81 (last week: 23, high–>low: 13–>28)
  18. Tennessee: 4.78 (last week: 18, high–>low: 14–>27)
  19. Dallas: 4.75 (last week: 22, high–>low: 3–>25)
  20. Indianapolis: 4.70 (last week: 19, high–>low: 16–>28)
  21. Oakland: 4.70 (last week: 15, high–>low: 10–>23)
  22. Minnesota: 4.61 (last week: 16, high–>low: 9–>24)
  23. Pittsburgh: 4.50 (last week: 14, high–>low: 9–>24)
  24. Miami: 4.36 (last week: 29, high–>low: 19–>31)
  25. San Diego: 4.29 (last week: 25, high–>low: 9–>28)
  26. Cleveland: 4.29 (last week: 24, high–>low: 23–>32)
  27. Jacksonville: 4.21 (last week: 27, high–>low: 16–>31)
  28. Chicago: 4.07 (last week: 26, high–>low: 6–>30)
  29. Philadelphia: 3.99 (last week: 30, high–>low: 26–>32)
  30. NY Jets: 3.93 (last week: 28, high–>low: 8–>32)
  31. Arizona: 3.65 (last week: 31, high–>low: 26–>32)
  32. Kansas City: 3.29 (last week: 32, high–>low: 20–>32)

Defensive Adjusted Yards per Play (league average: 4.99)

  1. Chicago: 3.06 (last week: 1, high–>low: 1–>5)
  2. San Francisco: 3.77 (last week: 2, high–>low: 2–>20)
  3. Denver: 4.09 (last week: 6, high–>low: 3–>20)
  4. Arizona: 4.18 (last week: 3, high–>low: 2–>6)
  5. Cleveland: 4.32 (last week: 15, high–>low: 4–>21)
  6. Houston: 4.37 (last week: 5, high–>low: 1–>6)
  7. Pittsburgh: 4.38 (last week: 8, high–>low: 7–>23)
  8. Seattle: 4.41 (last week: 4, high–>low: 4–>8)
  9. Baltimore: 4.44 (last week: 7, high–>low: 7–>16)
  10. New England: 4.61 (last week: 13, high–>low: 3–>14)
  11. NY Giants: 4.62 (last week: 10, high–>low: 8–>30)
  12. Cincinnati: 4.67 (last week: 16, high–>low: 12–>32)
  13. San Diego: 4.72 (last week: 11, high–>low: 6–>17)
  14. Carolina: 4.76 (last week: 14, high–>low: 12–>26)
  15. Minnesota: 4.79 (last week: 17, high–>low: 6–>17)
  16. NY Jets: 4.90 (last week: 9, high–>low: 9–>21)
  17. Green Bay: 4.95 (last week: 12, high–>low: 7–>28)
  18. Miami: 5.09 (last week: 19, high–>low: 8–>23)
  19. Atlanta: 5.10 (last week: 18, high–>low: 3–>21)
  20. St. Louis: 5.17 (last week: 24, high–>low: 8–>24)
  21. Detroit: 5.27 (last week: 20, high–>low: 12–>23)
  22. Washington: 5.36 (last week: 23, high–>low: 11–>27)
  23. Dallas: 5.39 (last week: 21, high–>low: 7–>23)
  24. Tampa Bay: 5.48 (last week: 22, high–>low: 15–>26)
  25. Jacksonville: 5.52 (last week: 26, high–>low: 24–>27)
  26. Philadelphia: 5.65 (last week: 25, high–>low: 1–>26)
  27. Buffalo: 5.76 (last week: 28, high–>low: 12–>32)
  28. Tennessee: 5.83 (last week: 27, Week 1: 26–>30)
  29. Kansas City: 6.07 (last week: 30, Week 1: 27–>32)
  30. Oakland: 6.20 (last week: 29, Week 1: 19–>31)
  31. Indianapolis: 6.27 (last week: 31, high–>low: 24–>31)
  32. New Orleans: 6.36 (last week: 32, Week 1: 28–>32)

SSLYAR also ranks teams according to Predictive Yards per Play Differential, a metric which doesn’t give as large a penalty or bonus to turnovers or touchdowns, will also take into account strength of schedule and will (theoretically) better able to predict future performance. This metric uses probabilities drawn from research Brian Burke did back in 2008 in trying to determine which stats best correlated with future play. For example, because offensive performance is much more consistent from week-to-week than defensive performance, offensive play is more highly prioritized in these rankings.

For the second week in a row, the 49ers boast the #1 rating in both offense and defense. Naturally, they are ranked fourteenth overall. JUST KIDDING. The 49ers and Broncos remain well ahead of new #3 Carolina and everybody else; the distance between the second-place Broncos and third-place Panthers is roughly the same as the distance between the Panthers and the fourteenth-ranked Buccaneers. Cincinnati’s recent revival has boosted their rating back above average, once again giving the AFC a whopping FIVE teams that rate above average. Cleveland is the biggest riser in these rankings as well, going from #28 to a season-high #23; Seattle’s puzzling trouble with the previously 31st-ranked Dolphins offense causes them to fall from #3 to #9.

Predictive Yards per Play Differential (league average: 0.996923)

  1. San Francisco: 1.975411 (last week: 1, high–>low: 1–>3)
  2. Denver: 1.689746 (last week: 2, high–>low: 1–>6)
  3. Carolina: 1.409913 (last week: 5, high–>low: 3–>18)
  4. New England: 1.386041 (last week: 6, high–>low: 4–>13)
  5. Green Bay: 1.385073 (last week: 4, high–>low: 3–>20)
  6. NY Giants: 1.354459 (last week: 9, high–>low: 3–>12)
  7. Washington: 1.346467 (last week: 10, high–>low: 7–>18)
  8. Detroit: 1.330027 (last week: 7, high–>low: 5–>10)
  9. Seattle: 1.305742 (last week: 3, high–>low: 3–>16)
  10. Houston: 1.236438 (last week: 8, high–>low: 2–>12)
  11. Dallas: 1.215448 (last week: 11, high–>low: 2–>17)
  12. St. Louis: 1.137526 (last week: 12, high–>low: 11–>28)
  13. Baltimore: 1.136199 (last week: 13, high–>low: 1–>13)
  14. Tampa Bay: 1.118827 (last week: 15, high–>low: 13–>30)
  15. Cincinnati: 1.074693 (last week: 18, high–>low: 8–>24)
  16. Minnesota: 1.068989 (last week: 14, high–>low: 9–>18)
  17. Atlanta: 1.026891 (last week: 19, high–>low: 4–>20)
  18. New Orleans: 1.019905 (last week: 17, high–>low: 15–>23)
  19. Chicago: 1.0002489 (last week: 16, high–>low: 2–>19)
  20. Buffalo: 0.911182 (last week: 20, high–>low: 14–>27)
  21. NY Jets: 0.763497 (last week: 23, high–>low: 19–>32)
  22. Pittsburgh: 0.762231 (last week: 21, high–>low: 14–>24)
  23. Cleveland: 0.671759 (last week: 28, high–>low: 23–>30)
  24. Tennessee: 0.668931 (last week: 22, high–>low: 21–>26)
  25. Philadelphia: 0.631468 (last week: 25, high–>low: 10–>25)
  26. Arizona: 0.626741 (last week: 24, high–>low: 23–>26)
  27. Miami: 0.615503 (last week: 30, high–>low: 11–>30)
  28. San Diego: 0.567678 (last week: 29, high–>low: 22–>30)
  29. Oakland: 0.518476 (last week: 26, high–>low: 19–>29)
  30. Indianapolis: 0.41062 (last week: 27, high–>low: 17–>30)
  31. Jacksonville: 0.382778 (last week: 31, high–>low: 31–>32)
  32. Kansas City: 0.144542 (last week: 32, high–>low: 27–>32)

Offensive Predictive Yards per Play (league average: 2.855593)

  1. San Francisco: 3.382112 (last week: 1, high–>low: 1–>13)
  2. Washington: 3.380325 (last week: 4, high–>low: 2–>8)
  3. New England: 3.343653 (last week: 3, high–>low: 3–>9)
  4. New Orleans: 3.328475 (last week: 2, high–>: 2–>11)
  5. NY Giants: 3.251633 (last week: 5, high–>low: 1–>5)
  6. Tampa Bay: 3.249874 (last week: 9, high–>low: 6–>26)
  7. Detroit: 3.240366 (last week: 8, high–>low: 3–>11)
  8. Denver: 3.166212 (last week: 6, high–>low: 3–>12)
  9. Green Bay: 3.145635 (last week: 7, high–>low: 1–>22)
  10. Dallas: 3.081116 (last week: 11, high–>low: 5–>20)
  11. Atlanta: 3.070694 (last week: 12, high–>low: 4–>16)
  12. Carolina: 3.047109 (last week: 14, high–>low: 7–>17)
  13. Houston: 3.009187 (last week: 15, high–>low: 10–>19)
  14. Cincinnati: 2.964013 (last week: 18, high–>low: 6–>20)
  15. St. Louis: 2.953407 (last week: 16, high–>low: 14–>28)
  16. Baltimore: 2.947817 (last week: 13, high–>low: 1–>16)
  17. Buffalo: 2.942973 (last week: 10, high–>low: 9–>17)
  18. Seattle: 2.940527 (last week: 17, high–>low: 15–>25)
  19. Minnesota: 2.789502 (last week: 20, high–>low: 19–>25)
  20. Tennessee: 2.779434 (last week: 19, high–>low: 14–>24)
  21. Oakland: 2.764083 (last week: 21, high–>low: 12–>21)
  22. Indianapolis: 2.620429 (last week: 22, high–>low: 11–>24)
  23. NY Jets: 2.553516 (last week: 23, high–>low: 23–>31)
  24. Philadelphia: 2.50711 (last week: 25, high–>low: 19–>27)
  25. Miami: 2.469016 (last week: 31, high–>low: 16–>31)
  26. Chicago: 2.460116 (last week: 24, high–>low: 10–>26)
  27. Cleveland: 2.404373 (last week: 29, high–>low: 27–>30)
  28. San Diego: 2.338634 (last week: 30, high–>low: 27–>31)
  29. Pittsburgh: 2.336365 (last week: 26, high–>low: 17–>29)
  30. Arizona: 2.335971 (last week: 27, high–>low: 27–>32)
  31. Jacksonville: 2.327883 (last week: 28, high–>low: 28–>32)
  32. Kansas City: 2.206443 (last week: 32, high–>low: 24–>32)

Defensive Predictive Yards per Play (league average: 1.85867)

  1. San Francisco: 1.406701 (last week: 1, high–>low: 1–>5)
  2. Chicago: 1.457627 (last week: 4, high–>low: 1–>5)
  3. Denver: 1.476466 (last week: 2, high–>low: 2–>11)
  4. Pittsburgh: 1.574134 (last week: 5, high–>low: 4–>20)
  5. Seattle: 1.634785 (last week: 3, high–>low: 2–>6)
  6. Carolina: 1.637196 (last week: 6, high–>low: 6–>25)
  7. Arizona: 1.70923 (last week: 7, high–>low: 6–>10)
  8. Minnesota: 1.720514 (last week: 9, high–>low: 3–>13)
  9. Cleveland: 1.732614 (last week: 14, high–>low: 9–>22)
  10. Green Bay: 1.760562 (last week: 10, high–>low: 10–>17)
  11. San Diego: 1.770956 (last week: 11, high–>low: 10–>17)
  12. Houston: 1.772749 (last week: 8, high–>low: 2–>12)
  13. NY Jets: 1.790018 (last week: 15, high–>low: 11–>21)
  14. Baltimore: 1.811618 (last week: 18, high–>low: 12–>20)
  15. St. Louis: 1.815881 (last week: 13, high–>low: 8–>18)
  16. Miami: 1.853514 (last week: 12, high–>low: 8–>16)
  17. Dallas: 1.865668 (last week: 17, high–>low: 6–>17)
  18. Philadelphia: 1.875642 (last week: 16, high–>low: 5–>18)
  19. Cincinnati: 1.88932 (last week: 22, high–>low: 19–>28)
  20. NY Giants: 1.897174 (last week: 23, high–>low: 20–>32)
  21. Detroit: 1.910338 (last week: 19, high–>low: 10–>21)
  22. Jacksonville: 1.945105 (last week: 21. high–>low: 16–>24)
  23. New England: 1.957612 (last week: 20, high–>low: 16–>23)
  24. Buffalo: 2.031791 (last week: 28, high–>low: 23–>32)
  25. Washington: 2.033858 (last week: 24, high–>low: 24–>32)
  26. Atlanta: 2.043803 (last week: 27, high–>low: 14–>27)
  27. Kansas City: 2.061901 (last week: 26, high–>low: 22–>30)
  28. Tennessee: 2.110503 (last week: 25, high–>low: 25–>28)
  29. Tampa Bay: 2.131047 (last week: 29, high–>low: 19–>29)
  30. Indianapolis: 2.209809 (last week: 30, high–>low: 24–>31)
  31. Oakland: 2.245607 (last week: 31, high–>low: 23–>31)
  32. New Orleans: 2.30857 (last week: 32, high–>low: 30–>32)
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