Your Midweek Update on Meaningless Training Camp Battles 4

Every year during training camp, NFL fans breathlessly await golden nuggets of information regarding meaningless position battles that they will likely forget about in September. There are those golden nuggets regarding those meaningless position battles you will likely forget for this week…

Miami Dolphins, Quarterback: Matt Moore vs. RYAN TANNEHILL (***WINNER***) vs. David Garrard. The rookie Tannehill (pictured above, again, with wife Lauren, who [if Google Image Search is any indication] will likely always be the most popular Tannehill) has surprisingly been named the starter for the Dolphins’ opening game against Houston. Even more excitingly: the rest of the Dolphins didn’t learn about Coach Joe Philbin’s decision until they heard it through the media. Best Dolphin reaction has to go to receiver Clyde Gates: “I’m not surprised (at the decision). I was surprised.” That makes…sense?

Tennessee Titans, Quarterback: Matt Hasselbeck vs. JAKE LOCKER (***WINNER***). Youth also beat out experience in Tennessee, as the second-year man Locker will be behind center for the Titans’ opener against the Patriots. What does Coach Mike Munchak want to see out of his newly named starter? “We still want completions, no matter how [Locker] has to do it.” Revolutionary thought right there!

Arizona Cardinals, Quarterback: Kevin Kolb vs. John Skelton (STILL NO WINNER). Not exactly thrilled with what he’s seen out of either potential starter so far, Coach Ken Whisenhunt will start Skelton in the third preseason game at Tennessee but is in no rush to name a starter. “I don’t think there is any pressure or any reason to say that you would have to make that decision,” Whisenhunt told reporters. “Peyton Manning may still wind up deciding that he’d rather play here than with Denver. And when he asks for that trade in the next week, I’ll shove those text messages in your face!”

St. Louis Rams, Cornerback: Josh Gordy vs. JANORIS JENKINS (***WINNER***) vs. Kendric Burney. Rookie and noted herbal cigarette enthusisast Jenkins has won the right to start opposite free agent signee Cortland Finnegan, leading the Rams to ship the suddenly expendable Gordy to the Colts for an undisclosed draft pick. For the Colts’ side of the story, let’s go to SI’s Peter King for a report: “Team SI ate at the Olive Garden down the road [from the Colts training camp facility]. Have I ever told you how much I love the salad bowl they plunk down at your table? I could do without the huge peppers, but I demolish a couple of bowls of the stuff before every meal there.” Thank you , Peter.

Buffalo Bills, Left Tackle: CORDY GLENN (***WINNER***) vs. Chris Hairston. Glenn will be entrusted with protecting Ryan Fitzpatrick’s blind side, but the story also ends happily for Hairston, who will start at right tackle in place of the injured Erik Pears. When reached for comment, coach Chan Gailey snored grumpily and said, “Do you have any idea what time it is, young man? Some of us try to get to bed at a reasonable hour,” and hung up the phone. The time was 5:30 P.M.

Detroit Lions, Cornerback: Alphonso Smith vs. Jacob Lacey vs. BILL BENTLEY (***PROJECTED WINNER***). Dave Birkett of the Detroit Free Press reports Bentley “is on track” to start the Lions’ opener against the Rams opposite Chris Houston. Bentley, a high school teammate of the aforemention Janoris Jenkins, said starting against the team employing his old buddy “will be a blessing. A great opportunity.” Bentley went on to say that he missed Jenkins “mostly because of his weed connections. I mean, he had it all. Northern Lights, Holland’s Hope, Californian Skunk…it was amazing. I really miss that hookup.”


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