Your Midweek Update on Meaningless Training Camp Battles

Every year during training camp, NFL fans breathlessly await golden nuggets of information regarding meaningless position battles that they will likely forget about in September. There are those golden nuggets regarding those meaningless position battles you will likely forget for this week…

  • Tennessee Titans, Quarterback: Matt Hasselbeck vs. Jake Locker. The NFL Network’s Mike “I Have Approximately Seven Percent the Intellect of the Other” Lombardi is reporting that Jake Locker is the favorite to win the Tennessee Titans starting quarterback position. Because any time you have a chance to start a guy who struggled to complete half of his passes in college, you have to do it.
  • Jacksonville Jaguars, Quarterback: Blaine Gabbert vs. Chad Henne vs. the random guy they pulled out of the crowd today. ESPN’s AFC South blogger Paul Kuharsky notes that Blaine Gabbert didn’t throw the ball very well on Tuesday. In related news, the sun came up this morning.
  • Chicago Bears, Left Tackle: J’Marcus Webb vs. Chris Williams. Offensive Coordinator Mike Tice says Webb and Williams will split the first-team reps throughout training camp. Meanwhile, at an undisclosed retirement home, Mike Martz could be heard shouting, “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO THE LEFT TACKLE IS! JUST LEAVE HIM OUT AN ISLAND, TAKE SEVEN-STEP DROPS, THROW IT TO TORRY AND ISAAC AND THE SHOW WILL BEGIN!!!!” before momentarily losing control of his bowels again.
  • St. Louis Rams, Cornerback: Josh Gordy vs. Janoris Jenkins vs. Kendric Burney. Safety Quintin Mikell spoke highly of rookie cornerback Jenkins on Tuesday, saying, “He is a young guy who is coming in with a lot of confidence. He has come in and made a lot of plays already.” Mikell went on to say that Jenkins was “already off-the-charts, as far as what he brings to the team in terms of weed connections. I mean, you name it, he’s got it: White Widow, Big Bud, Purple Power, even a little Hawaii Mauwie Wauwie. It’s impressive, real impressive.”
  • Buffalo Bills, Left Tackle: Cordy Glenn vs. Chris Hairston. The rookie Glenn and the second-year Hairston have been staging a fight to the death (not in a literal sense, of course) for the right to protect Ryan Fitzpatrick’s blind side. For his part, Fitzpatrick said, “Whoever the front five are up there I am going to be very confident in that and we are just going to go out there and play.” Fitzpatrick went on to add, “It doesn’t really matter because I get rid of the ball so quickly anyway. I prefer throwing interceptions to taking sacks. Just my personal taste, I suppose.”
  • Green Bay Packers, Cornerback: Sam Shields vs. Jarrett Bush vs. Davon House vs. Casey Hayward. Shields and Bush are in the incumbents in the battle to start opposite Tramon Williams, but House has impressed the coaching staff early on in camp. All four, however, are said to have perfected the coverage in which they forget Nick Collins is no longer behind them to save their bacon, sag off their receiver by five yards, and express surprise and bewilderment when said receiver ends up with a touchdown.

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